I gave a small smile as Jazz, my girlfriend, kissed my cheek gently before she took her seat in front of me. Between our work schedules, issues within our families, and other priorities; it’s been about two weeks since we’ve seen one another. I must admit, though she won’t, that things have been rocky between us long before this brief period of separation, but I felt that now would be as good of a time as any to discuss things.
“So, Baby, how have you been? Oh my gosh, I have missed you so much.”
I smiled again, admiring her delicate features. Skin tone, like honey. Big, beautiful brown eyes that always gave away her true emotions. Today, at this very moment, she’s filled with excitement and happiness. “I’ve been okay. Been a rough time in my life in general, but I’m okay. I’m making it.”
“Want to talk about it? You know that I am always here to listen.”
I looked away and shook my head, feeling glad that we were actually alone in the restaurant we agreed to meet at. “No. How about you? How have you been, Jazz?”
“Getting better. My mom has finally stopped threatening to beat Dad’s ass, so that’s always a good thing. Grandma sends her love by the way. She said that she misses seeing your chubby face.”
I chuckled, thinking about her grandma Esther. The one woman, aside from Jazz, who never made me feel bad about being a larger guy. Ya fine as hell, ya got style and class, and ya can move around on the dance floor is what she would always say to me anytime she overheard someone putting me down. “Tell her that I miss her too. Not sure if I’ll be able to visit her anytime soon.”
“And why is that? Still too much going on with work? Or are your parents still trying to get you to move back to Virginia?”
I sighed, unsure how that I can go about this situation. I stayed silent for a moment, trying to decide if my decision is truly worth it.
See, Jazz and I met nearly four years ago. We fell in love quickly; she respected me, as I respected her, and we built a genuine friendship that enhanced our love. From the way I would speak of her and our relationship, everyone and their mama knew she was my best friend. The love of my life. I would do any and everything for her, lay down my life. But, there were times that I felt I couldn’t say she felt or would do the same.
There was one instance, where her insecurities got the best of her. She thought I was cheating so she stepped outside of our relationship. I forgave her, thinking that things would improve. I swear, I try my hardest not to dwell on old feelings, I try to trust and believe that she wouldn’t hurt me again.
After all, she tracked me down and followed me all the back to my home state of Virginia, begging for a second chance. She refused to give up on us. I thought that over time we would rebuild, be stronger. But that nagging feeling always sits.
Late nights when neither of us have a heavy workload. The fact that she acts differently, looks at me differently, even speaks to me differently sometimes. Almost as if she’s tired of having me in her life, as if I’m holding her back.
“Davis, are you okay? You’re sitting there, looking as if you’re lost and alone.”
“Lost, no. Alone, yes.”
Jazz looked at me. “I-I don’t understand.”
“Do you love me, Jazz?”
Her face softened, and she smiled, reaching over to rub my cheek gently. “Baby, you know that I do. I know that you and I have had our problems, mostly because of me, but you’re my everything.”
I sighed, nodding my head. “Then why do I find that so hard to believe? Why is it that after all of this time, I still don’t trust that you’re faithful?”
“You know that I am, Davis.”
You know how they say the eyes are the door to someone’s soul? That you can often tell their true emotions from the look in their eyes. As expressive as her big, brown eyes usually are, they’re blank in this moment.
No, not in the evil way. Just, devoid of true feeling and emotion. She’s lying, and my gut won’t let me believe otherwise.
“Davis, Baby, haven’t I worked hard to prove myself, to earn your trust back?”
“Yes. But you’ve also gone back to those sneaky ways, and I just can’t avoid or turn a blind eye to the many red flags in our relationship.” I sighed, wishing my next statement wasn’t something that I had to say. “I believe that if it weren’t for the fact that I have money, you wouldn’t even still be here. And, I wish I had never taken you back.”
Jazz gasp, looking at me as if I’d lost my mind. “H-How could you say something like that?! With you for your money? Really?”
I nodded, standing up. I was about to leave without saying anything else, but I owe her one last explanation.
“It’s not that I don’t love you, Jazz. In fact, I sometimes believe that I love you more than I love myself. And that’s an issue, because it means I will stay here and take anything that you do; right or wrong. I know that people can change once they make mistakes, but I can not shake the feeling that I have in my gut. There is no one else for me, but I already know that you’ve found someone else. Instead of wasting our time, and getting my heart broken in the process, again, I’m walking away.”
She jumped up, grabbing my arm. Touching me in ways she hadn’t in months, in over a year. I must admit, I felt that old spark. But it’s not enough. “I have to. I don’t want to end up the way you were when we met; broken, bitter, and belittling someone who truly loves me. I love you so much Jazz, but I’m leaving.” I gently pushed her hand off of my arm, kissing her cheek before I turned and walked away.
I wish her all the best.