2018 started and ended the way each year has started and ended for me since I entered adulthood.
Began on a very high and positive note, and came crashing down into a big ol’ ball of fire.
If there was any visual of what I looked like all year long, it’s this beauty right here…
Externally; I was trying my hardest to keep it all together. To hide the cracks that were quickly forming as life threw problem after problem at me. Internally; I was broken into a million unfix-able pieces. And then, when it became too much to just sit in the ‘heat’ and take what all was coming at me; I shattered for the world to see.
I fell apart in the worst ways possible.
It seemed like all of my plans and goals for the year, for my life, and for my career (for my work as an artist) went right on out the window and my life-long battle with depression forced it’s way back in like,
Tad bit dramatic, but I’m an overly emotional person and I see everything in grander scales.
2018, however, was particularly difficult. It seemed like I would hit lower than rock bottom, and it became such a struggle to pick myself back up. The beginning of the year alone, I spent about two and a half weeks, isolating myself.
The summer may have gotten a full month of me crying over my mind misinterpreting how people interacted with me, or how NO ONE interacted with me at all.
I turned 28 and the thought of turning 30 in another two years sent me spiraling into what I deemed the woes of growing old. The woes of approaching 30, having worked so long as a writer, and still being NO WHERE near where I feel I should be after nearly twenty-years of steadfast and what I thought was good work.
And then, most recently, something just took over me and there came days and weeks, and then MONTHS of me wanting to do nothing. Go nowhere. See no one. And at least five times in a single week; I didn’t even want to live any longer.
The year was a ROUGH one. I didn’t feel successful; despite the fact that I released TWO poetry collections in 2018. I didn’t feel as if any of the work I was sharing was good enough; despite receiving non-biased opinions for a number of people. I didn’t feel as if I was doing anything that made me worthy of living and taking up space. I didn’t know or understand what my purpose was any longer.
It was a lot.
And as I sit here on January 1st, 2019… just getting off work not even an hour ago (at a job that still brings me NO joy); I realize that I’m not that far out of that dark haze I spent the last four months of 2018 in. However; I made the choice to walk into the new day with a hopeful spirit and approach.
I’ve decided to try my best to not let anything steal the joy I feel when I awake each morning. And I think that’s a good first step; choosing to be happy. Choosing to stay happy and work at remaining happy no matter what is going on around me or who is trying to drag me back down to the pits of anguish and strife.
Usually, I make resolutions. And, I always end up breaking them after the first week. So, I figure that is not for me.
What I am going to do is take each day as it comes, one at a time. Move and do what makes me feel good in the moment that I feel it. I won’t put any unrealistic pressure on myself. I won’t doubt myself or put myself down. Most importantly, I won’t beat myself up when things simply don’t work in my favor, or aren’t meant for me in that very moment.
What this will mean for MyPenWritesNice.com; I’m not sure. I would love to say that I will actually be consistent with content from this day forward; but I know that when I say it, I don’t come through. And truly, I don’t like to be that person that doesn’t follow through on my word or promises.
So, I’ll just say that… NEW things will come, and I hope that anyone who has read or comes across this and decides to follow my site will be around when all of these new and good things come along.
Thank you so much to everyone who tuned in and showed me so much love here on MyPenWritesNice in 2018, and I hope that 2019 is as beautiful for you as I’m going to make it for me.
Be happy. Be blessed. Be you.
xoxo, Cortney D. Joseph