Originally, I was going to do this as a ‘podcast’/audio discussion for my youtube channel. But, I get overly emotional very easily, and I have the ugliest struggle cry-talk voice in the world. I’d rather not embarrass myself that way.
So, I want to take this post to speak on an initiative I took towards the very end of 2018.
To be happy.
I was trying to think of a way to measure my success, thus far, and the only thing that made sense was to put my own spin on one of the shows I’m secretly obsessed with.
The first 48.
I figured 48 days was more than enough to gauge how I’ve been handling my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and more while actively ensuring that I remain happy and confident with myself.
Typically, I make this “resolution” to rid myself of my depression every January 1st, and by the 5th or 6th, I’m deep into my bag of feelings and doubt again. SO, I got a jump start a couple days early.
I made it past 30 days. And then, self-doubt tried to prance on in, and I succeeded to day 45 by filling myself with consistent, positive thoughts and affirmations, with looooots of self-love.
Well, here I am at 48 and the dark feelings have won this round.
Why are they so persistent? Why is it so necessary for me to feel satisfied with feeling very ugly things about myself? Why do I have to tear myself down to justify why I haven’t made it where I want to be? #MakeItMakeSense
And what do I do to make it through the next 48 now that I have to start all over?
Those are all rhetorical questions, of course. I know that I have to figure out what’s going on with me on my own, that perhaps all my answers lie within me. But, I guess, I’m hoping that getting these thoughts out will aide in me waking up with more clarity and happier thoughts later in the day.