I said I didn’t want to write anymore.
And, that feeling still holds true even though my mind and heart are wrestling over the subject (I want to quit, but can’t).
Anyway, that’s not what this is about. And this isn’t some announcement that I’m back or there’ll be things to come from me.
I just don’t know how else or where else to get these current feelings of mine out. I don’t feel I have anyone to go to. That is, I don’t want to be a burden to anyone else, add on to the sadness and grief others are feeling. I feel others have been worrying too much about me, and not enough about themselves.
So here goes my latest release.
Some days, I’ve let my emotions run how they will. Other days, I’ve thrown on a mask and acted tough because everybody’s favorite thing to say to me has been, “you’re so strong”, “you’re doing so good/great”.
Well, to be very frank; I’m tired of being strong. Tired of forcing a smile, going on about my day as if I’m alright and life will just go on as is. I don’t want life to go on as is.
I don’t want to be happy, because I’m not happy and I don’t think I will be ever again. (And no, I don’t want to believe or have faith that I will find some small semblance of happiness again in the future.)
It’s not fair.
I am overly emotional (100 times more than usual), depressed. I’m exhausted, stressed. I feel both alone and lonely (and yes, there is a great difference and both hurt like a motherfucker). The guilt I feel is intense, weighing down heavily on me. It feels like an anchor, attached to my legs holding me down in a massive body of water. And I can’t swim.
I’m not taking care of myself and I don’t wish to because what’s the point.
I just want to get away, disappear… but there’s nowhere for me to go, nowhere for me to hide away.
The tears are endless. My heart stays beating erratically, and I can’t control my anger any longer.
I don’t know what to do with myself. Don’t know what to do without the very reason I made myself get up for.
Don’t want to get up anymore, don’t want to leave my house or be around people anymore. I don’t feel as if I will ever make it through this.
It hurts. It hurts so much.
And in spite of the ever so cliche “it gets easier”, I know that it won’t.